こんにちは、Kayです。
今日も私の日常の一コマをご紹介。
（私のミソフォニア（音嫌悪症）の症状はこちら）
今回は私が一日の中で一番辛く感じる食事の時間に関してです。
食事中に襲ってくる音
食事の時間は私にとって、楽しみでもあり恐ろしい時間でもあります。
ミソフォニアに苦しむ方のほとんどはこの食事中の音に悩まされているのではないでしょうか？
・クチャクチャ
・ゴクゴク
・ズルズル
文面を見るだけで寒気がするような様々な音。
以前にも書きましたが、
俗に言う食べ方の汚い【くちゃらー】さんがダメ、ということではありません。普通に食事している音が耐えられないのです。
ただでさえ口から出る音が耐えられないのに、音を出して飲み食いする人、身近なところに一人は絶対にいますよね？
私の場合は、父がそうです。
音を出して飲み食いする人との食事
結婚する前実家で暮らしていた時、父と食事をするのが本当に嫌でした。
百歩譲って、すすって食べるそばやラーメンは仕方ないとしましょう。
父はスープやコーヒーをすすって飲みます。
熱々で飲みたいのか、口にする度、ズズズッ…と音がするのです。
その音を聞いた瞬間、私の食事の手は止まり、”後から食べる。”と席を離れていました。
気にしない、気にしない、とテレビの音に耳を傾けても、聞く度に大きく聞こえるそのズズズ音に次第に耐えられなくなるのです。
まだ家族にも理解してもらえていなかった頃は、父がいる食事の場であからさまに機嫌が悪くなる私に対して母が”あんたが悪いねんから。”と何度も口にしていました。
音に耐えられない自分が本当に嫌だった
”楽しい食事の場も、私のせいで家族に嫌な思いをさせている。”
”テレビを付けずに家族の会話を楽しみたい。”
”私だって、楽しく食事したい！”
・・・
毎日食事の席を離れるか、別の時間に一人で食べながら、こんなことばかり考えていました。
毎回頑張って耐えようとするけど、自分をコントロール出来ないことが本当に辛かったです。
私の態度を見て、父も嫌だっただろうし、辛かったと思います。
少しずつコントロール出来るようになってきた
そんな生活が続いてくると、さすがに家族も私の様子が普通じゃないと思い始め、良くも悪くも【そういう子なんだ】と思ってくれるようになりました。
私自身も、自分がそういう人だとより認識するようになりました。
申し訳なさで一杯ですが、家族が少しずつ、食事中に音を鳴らさないように気を使ってくれるようになりました。
”これもあかんの？”とワザとクチャクチャ食べておちゃらける時も（笑）
私も、耐えられないと思った時は一呼吸置いて、”ごめん、ちょっと今日はダメかも。”と一声かけてから席を離れるようになりました。
これだけですごい進歩だと私は思っています。
父にも、”外で音出して飲んでたらマナー違反だよ。”と冗談混じりに言えるようになりました。
私のミソフォニアの悩みは笑い事ではないけど、笑って付き合ってくれる家族の存在が私の助けです。
今でも食事の時間が怖い
これは今でも変わりません。
結婚する時も、”本当に一緒に暮らしていけるんだろうか。”と何度も何度も不安になりました。
夫に嫌な思いをさせるんじゃないか、一緒に食事が出来なくて夫婦生活が上手くいかないんじゃないか、と頭の中はそればかりでした。
それでも、夫と一緒に生きていきたいと思って一緒になりました。
そんな今でもやはり食事の時間には少し敏感なのは変わらず、憂鬱な気分の時も多々あります。
でもこれは私が選んだ道なので、今日も明日もこれからもずっと”夫との食事の時間を楽しいものにしたい。”という気持ちを持ち続けていきたいと思います。
最後に
同じようにミソフォニアで苦しんでいる方、あなただけじゃないですよ。
周りにそんな人がいる方、どうぞ分かってあげてください。その人もきっと辛いはずです。
お互いに歩み寄っていけると良いですね。少しずつでも楽しい食事の時間を作っていきましょう！
コメント
はじめまして。
「家族とご飯 辛い」で検索してこちらにたどり着きました。
家族との食事を苦痛に感じることに罪悪感があり、落ち込んでいるときにこちらの記事を拝見して、同じ感覚の方がいること、症状の一種だと知り気持ちが軽くなり思わず泣いてしまいました。
救われました。ありがとうございます。
他の記事も拝見させてもらいます。
はじめまして、コメントありがとうございます。
救われた、とのコメントをいただきこのブログをやっていて良かったと心から思えました。こちらこそありがとうございます。
私の経験や思いが少しでも、同じように苦しんでいる誰かの助けになったこと、嬉しく思います。
他の記事にも、同じように辛い思いをされている皆さんからコメントをいただいています。良かったらそちらも読んでみてくださいね。
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